Paper Plates

Why'd you ask me to come visit you if you were already seeing someone?

I asked you to be my girlfriend, right?

Yes?

You weren't ready. I have needs. Men have emotional needs to. I want to be with a life partner, and you weren't ready. I do not blame you. I messed things up, and you are not ready to forgive me. 

So much for a year of debt. (insert cynical laugh here)

An old man once told me that people and relationships are like paper plates. You get one, use it, and when it gets messy, you toss it to the side. 

So, I'm a paper plate? Disposable?

Take it how you want. There are other people in the world. Other plates to use.


I can't help but cry. Not because I want Steven, or because I am hurt that he doesn't want me. I already knew he didn't. 

I am hurt by his thinking. His theory.

Why am I so disposable? What about me makes me so easy to dismiss?

Blazing Bachelor

I keep messaging with Steven. Surely, that does not surprise you. Ever-forgiving. Ever the Lil' Idiot.

He's trying to hard to convince me to be with him, give him another chance, while trying to keep up the pretense that he's only "repaying a debt he owes". 

I will give you a year of my time. I wasted six months of your time, and in return will give you a year. I am a friend before anything else. I can be here to offer advice and provide you with any help you might need. All you have to do is ask. If after a year you decide you no longer want to speak to me, then you are free to leave, but I always pay my debts.

A few minutes later...

Bae

I love you

You ready to be my girlfriend?

Do you miss me yet?

If I disappeared, would you look for me?

You still loooooove me.

You're so feisty.

You're so lazy.

You're so reserved and shy. I can't tell which personality I like most.

You keep me on my toes.

You make me happy.

You put a smile on my face.

When we gettin hitched?

When are you moving?

Pack your bags!

Come take care of me!

Steven. That is not how friends talk to one another. If you are only staying around because you feel that you "owe" me, then, I give you permission to walk. You are free from a debt you never owed.

But I want to be with you. I want you to be with me. You are the one for me, my honey bee. I will wait a year for you to decide. Take your time. Are you off work tomorrow?

Yes, it's a holiday.

Come visit me.

Why?

So, we can spend time together. Drive down for the day. I'll cook for you, mi amor.

I can't drive down there.

So, I'm the only one who drives down and up in less than 24 hours? 

You did it because you wanted to. No one made you.

So, you're not going to come visit me tomorrow?

No.

Suit yourself.

The next day, I log-in to Facebook, and Steven has posted before and after pictures of his clean home captioned "nothing gets a house clean like a blazing bachelor", followed by statuses of the meal he's prepping, flowers and chocolates he's bought. For his date. Who isn't me. 

Enter Steven

They all come back, remember? 

I'm gutting out the desks at school with Nikki, a coworker who quickly became a really good friend, when I see the lime green notification blinking on my phone. Hm. A Facebook message? Who could be messaging me on Facebook?

Steven's face pops up on the icon when I swipe right across the lock screen.

Heart. Stops.

What does he want? I click the icon, and the message appears on my screen.

4:48 pm

So do you want an explanation for why I behaved without any feelings towards you?

Because you weren't interested?

I had some personal things going on with my ex. There were issues that I had to take care of and I didn't want to involve you. They weren't your demons to deal with. I had to take care of the problem with her and her family and was protecting you in the process.

Ok? So, why are you telling me this now?

Usually my go-to response in these situations. 

I was talking to a friend, and he suggested I let you know the truth. I felt bad about the way things were left, and I felt that, now that everything is settled, I should give you an explanation for my actions.

I'm not sure what you want me to say here?

I want a chance to make amends. To make things right? I owe you that much. You were always good to me, and you deserve to know what happened.

Ok.

I look at Nikki and tell her the conversation, while, also, providing background to my relationship with Steven. 

"So, basically, you're saying that he left you for his ex? What a jerk!"

How is it possible that in those few simple words, she can sum up every thought I had. He left me. For his ex. And now, he wants to make amends. 

Why don't the buried just stay buried?

Exit Stage Right

JD was patient enough to stick around another couple of week before he bolted again. Honestly, I don't even blame him. I had a feeling he would. If I'm being totally open, I wasn't trying very hard to spend time with him, which was what he wanted and needed. 

It's hard, though, when someone leaves you and comes back and you're already all out of energy from being left, can you really put any reeeal effort in? Maybe you can. I'd reached a wall. I was done. 

We'd gone out maybe... 2? more times before he finally decided he was done.

5:01 pm

I have had some time to think about our situation over the break, and I've decided my feelings for you haven't grown any. We don't really spend any time together, and I don't feel like this relationship is progressing.


5:45 pm

Ok.


Always sooo smooth. What could I say, though? For real this time. I don't think I'd honestly forgiven him for bailing the first time, and hadn't given him a fair second shot. Could I blame him? 

Resurrections

I had a friend, Candace, who I started calling Goose when I was 21 years old, because of some dumb guy, Chase, that I was dating at the time. He was trying to come up with cute and unique pet names for me. One day, he called me Goosey-poo, which I quickly shut down for obvious reasons, and Candace and I thought it was so funny, I teased her with it, and later shortened it to just Goose.

Let me tell you a little about Goose. She was my BEST friend. We'd known each other since we were 12, and I shared all my secrets with her and she with me. We were super close, always spending time together, going on wild adventures, going to concerts, eating, venting, traveling, whatever it is best friends are supposed to do, we did it. 

During one of our random and powerful venting sessions, we came to a conclusion that I... am cursed. 

Every guy I've ever dated likes me, decides he doesn't want me (for various, and often similar reasons), bails and tries to come back (for various, and often similar reasons). 

It has NEVER failed.

EVER. 

Every guy that has ever left me makes an attempt to come back. Why they don't just stick around in the first place is beyond me. 

We jokingly started referring to exes coming back as "coming back from the dead".

"I resurrected another one." 

"Guess who's back from the dead?"

"Guess who's resurrected?"

I instantly thought of Goose when JD resurrected.

Unfortunately, Goose is no longer in my life. She, herself, resurrected, but I chose to keep her buried. Another paper plate in a world of recycling bins.

This resurrection theory, curse, if you will, is what made me hesitant to openly and honestly pursue a relationship with JD.

I'm tired. Tired of being "that girl". The one that's "perfect", and "everything I've ever wanted". I'm tired of being "something else". I'm tired of being what I've coined the "after thought/realized girl".

You know the one. The one that AFTER he's had a chance to THINK about it, he REALIZES he made a mistake and his reasons for leaving weren't really good enough to not be with me, so he wants another shot.

He wants to be resurrected. 

Round 2

I didn't really have anything to say to JD other than "ok". I mean, what is there to say? You aren't interested; we've gone out twice. What do you want me to say?

Now, that doesn't mean I wasn't ticked off. I mean, why were you making plans with me after our second date if you didn't want to see me again? When did you decide you weren't interested? During the date? After? What was the deciding factor? Why didn't you tell me instead of ignoring me for a week after? Ok.. so maayybe I had stuff to say to him. I just chose not to, as is my usual way of dealing. Obsessive, remember?

A week or so passed when the text came in:

12:36 pm

Hey, it's JD. I wanted to let you know why I texted you saying I wasn't interested. I wanted to come clean about my reasoning, since I realized I wasn't fair to you about the situation and was a jerk about it. I dated a guy a few years ago for a short time. It is something from my past and is no longer part of who I am now. Whenever I tell people I am interested in they usually shy away, and I get hurt. I didn't want that to happen with you.

What? THAT'S why he stopped talking to me? Because of something from YEARS ago that has nothing to do with the NOW? 

Men. What can we do?

I didn't reply right away. I wasn't even sure I wanted to reply: at all. Not even because he dated a guy. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, to be honest. What bothers me is that he assumed I am like every other chick he's been interested in, and just going to bail on him without even discussing it first (assuming he wanted to discuss it, of course). He didn't even give me a chance, why should I give him another one? 

Because that's who I am. That's what I do. Ever the forgiving soul.

3:21 pm

So, why are you telling me this now?


I thought you deserved to know. I wanted another chance. I really enjoyed getting to know you, and it wasn't fair that I didn't give you a chance. I was a jerk.


Ok.


See? I'm sooo smooth.

Date 2

We spent JD's birthday at this placed called "Main Event". It's essentially a grown-up arcade, and JD is one competitive son-of-a-gun. I can be. Once I get comfortable.

We played a few rounds of basketball, ski ball, Pac-Man. He pretty much dominated, and he loved it. Until we got around to playing air hockey. Now, I am no good at this game, but I had luck on my side, and I was up 4-1. You could see the competitive scowl curling up around the edges of his face. And I loved it.

He started catching up: "Are you letting me score on purpose?"
"No," I smiled coyly. More scowling. More grinning.

He ended up beating me 7-5. My luck doesn't last long. In any matter.

We enjoyed a nice Italian dinner after he got his fill of whooping me.

We did our usual: texting each other when we got home, and making plans for later in the week.

No surprise here, but those plans fell through.