The Purge

I spent the next 3 days crying. Nonstop. The day after, I couldn't even make it through my work day without falling apart. Do you know how hard it is to work with 5 years old and keep your tears in check? 

Thankfully, I had an intern in my room, who had quickly become a good friend of mine, and, thus, knew what was happening. 

She took over as soon as our lunch breaks had ended. 

She was my saving grace that day, and I am eternally grateful.

My car rides home were a similar scenario, but ions more freeing: guttural sobs that shook my body and impaired my vision. The car rides home, unlike my work day, were accompanied by "3Oh!3"'s album: maxed out volume and enough swear words to cleanse every ache in my heart.

One of the hardest parts of my day, was having to come home. I spend a lot of my day with my parents and three brothers, but on days were baseball practice wasn't scheduled, and orchestra concerts weren't in occurrence, I had a lot of time: to think. 

I went over every possible scenario that I could think of: replaying our last conversations, looking for some sign, some clue. What had I done wrong? What about me made me so easy to dismiss? Why hadn't I seen it coming? 

I did my best to keep it together while I was around my family. They knew Steven had left me, but I didn't want them to know how badly I felt about it. "Put on a happy face", as they say. 

Seeing the pain in my eyes, my mom hugged me: a rare event in my house. And I bawled. I clung to her like an infant seeking comfort, and I just let it all out. By the time, I pulled away, my face was tear stricken and all the tears I had been holding in that evening had escaped by body. 

I could see my pain reflected back at me in my mother's eyes. The pain a mother feels when her own child is suffering is beyond my empathy, for I am not a mother myself, but I knew my tears were causing some of her own.

Day 3 I decided that enough was enough. This was the last day I was going to spend crying, aching, and pleading with my heart to cease its barrage upon itself. This was the last day, I was going to ride home with blurred vision, endangering myself and others on the road.

I stayed true to my word. I sobbed on the way home, periodically, reminding myself that this was the last time. To get it all out. THIS is your last chance to purge.