Obsessive

Obsessive. Remember I said that I was obsessive? I keep replaying the last few conversations I had with Steven. I HAVE to find fault in myself. What did I do? What did I say? What could I have done to make him stay?


I cannot accept that this decision had nothing to do with me. He kindly gave me the "out" I needed to heal and move on, but I couldn't. I am not satisfied knowing that "it was him, not me". I. NEED. to know.


Steven called me. Once. After he broke up with me. I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know if I COULD say anything to him.


So I obsessed.


I should have answered.
What did he want to tell me?
Why didn't I call him back?
What could he have had to say to me that would have made this any better?
What would I have said to him?
Could I have spoken to him without crying? Without sounding bitter?
Will he call again?
Why did he call in the first place?
Why didn't I answer?


Over and over again.


I stay off of Facebook as much as possible, so that I am not tempted to check his profile- see who he's with, who he's talking to, how happy he is without me.


I, literally, have to keep track of the days, like an addict in recovery. I have gone 24 hours without checking on him. 36. 54. Eventually, I lose track of the days, and I am no longer plagued by the need to know how he's doing.


I want to know that he's ok.


I want to know that he is fine without me.


Why?

That's beyond me.